Jump to content

How do I manage this situation?


  • Please log in to reply
44 replies to this topic

#26 SeaPrincess

Posted 14 June 2019 - 02:16 PM

If you want to go totally passive aggressive, give the child a present, then get him/her to call the grandparents to say thank you.

#27 CallMeFeral

Posted 14 June 2019 - 02:25 PM

 SeaPrincess, on 14 June 2019 - 02:16 PM, said:

If you want to go totally passive aggressive, give the child a present, then get him/her to call the grandparents to say thank you.

:clap: :rofl:

#28 Wot*A*Lot*Of_____

Posted 14 June 2019 - 02:30 PM

How old are the children?
I ask, because I know someone who stops buying for the grandchildren once they get to a certain age.

#29 JK4

Posted 14 June 2019 - 02:38 PM

I think this must be common is some families but I don’t understand it at all (to be fair my husband thinks I go to extremes to make sure everything is even & fair). My MIL has been known (within 1 month) to give one of our children $50 & another $5. Neither were mistakes as both amounts were discussed with the child when given. As my children were saving for something big we added the $45 so both had the same amount. I don’t understand but my husband grew up with this type of thing and always got the lower amount.

#30 JomoMum

Posted 14 June 2019 - 02:41 PM

 WTF*A*Lot, on 14 June 2019 - 02:30 PM, said:

How old are the children?
I ask, because I know someone who stops buying for the grandchildren once they get to a certain age.

That would be a valid reason. But I think an actual “hey we’ve decided to stop now that they’re (insert age)”.

Honestly, I’d have simply asked ages ago. “Just checking in to see if there was a reason you didnt want to get jimmy and mary a birthday gift anymore. What can I tell them when they ask?”

#31 JomoMum

Posted 14 June 2019 - 02:42 PM

 SeaPrincess, on 14 June 2019 - 02:16 PM, said:

If you want to go totally passive aggressive, give the child a present, then get him/her to call the grandparents to say thank you.

I like that in theory. But in reality, they sound like they may just take credit for it and the kids would still be none the wiser.  It more than that, the grandparents get away with favoritism which is yet unexplained.

Edited by JomoMum, 14 June 2019 - 02:43 PM.


#32 born.a.girl

Posted 14 June 2019 - 02:45 PM

 WTF*A*Lot, on 14 June 2019 - 02:30 PM, said:

How old are the children?
I ask, because I know someone who stops buying for the grandchildren once they get to a certain age.

It's the two youngest missing out though, the oldest is still being specifically remembered.

#33 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 14 June 2019 - 03:04 PM

if it becomes evident that they are only giving for one child and have no intention of giving for the other children, I'd return the money and say "Sorry, but we're not going to endorse blatant favouritism from relatives. Either all children receive a birthday gift from you, or none. It's fairer this way on the children."

#34 WannabeMasterchef

Posted 14 June 2019 - 03:44 PM

 WTF*A*Lot, on 14 June 2019 - 02:30 PM, said:

How old are the children?
I ask, because I know someone who stops buying for the grandchildren once they get to a certain age.

Some of my relatives do that to (usually stop when the kid is in high school or a teenager).  is the kid they are leaving money for the youngest OP?

#35 Luci

Posted 14 June 2019 - 03:57 PM

 WannabeMasterchef, on 14 June 2019 - 03:44 PM, said:

Some of my relatives do that to (usually stop when the kid is in high school or a teenager).  is the kid they are leaving money for the youngest OP?

The child who is still receiving the money is the oldest, the two younger ones are missing out.

OP could you say something like "I was just wondering what you wanted to do about gifts for the kids, I noticed you hadn't transferred any money for DS & DD the last couple of years"

#36 Mummy_Em

Posted 15 June 2019 - 11:33 PM

I’d probably go with the assumption that it might be a mistake and say something like “I’ve been sharing the $20 you send at x’s birthday between the kids, but it occurred to me recently that I should check with you that you haven’t been sending money at the other kids’ birthdays and there has been a banking error.”

#37 Cat12

Posted 16 June 2019 - 12:01 AM

My FIL used to do this out of laziness. It wasn’t the same kid but if he happened to realise there was a birthday coming up he’d whip out his wallet and give me cash for that child. I just handed it back one day and said as he’d already missed two kids birthdays I wouldn’t accept it. It was an all or none deal. I think he was both affronted and embarrassed.

Cat

#38 MooGuru

Posted 16 June 2019 - 12:09 AM

One kid has a December birthday that happens to coincide with family xmas get together - always gets a heap of presents because there's a bit of a big deal made out of poor x having a birthday so close to xmas.

All other children's birthdays are forgotten throughout the year by entire extended family.

Is there something like that happening that prods them to remember?

#39 CallMeFeral

Posted 16 June 2019 - 12:39 AM

 Cat12, on 16 June 2019 - 12:01 AM, said:

My FIL used to do this out of laziness. It wasn’t the same kid but if he happened to realise there was a birthday coming up he’d whip out his wallet and give me cash for that child. I just handed it back one day and said as he’d already missed two kids birthdays I wouldn’t accept it. It was an all or none deal. I think he was both affronted and embarrassed.

Oh gosh, that's harsh. Intentionally favouriting a kid is one thing but remembering sometimes and forgetting sometimes is just human. As the kid whose brother had his birthday near Christmas (so got presents from all the relos while I didn't), it sucked but I knew it was just circumstance/timing, not favouritism. Someone intentionally and arbitrarily treating one child better needs to be nipped in the bud, but I actually think preventing someone from showing kindness just because they didn't manage to do it consistently is a really terrible and kind of self centered message.

#40 Ellie bean

Posted 16 June 2019 - 01:08 AM

^^ nah I would have done exactly what cat12 did.

#41 WaitForMe

Posted 16 June 2019 - 06:33 AM

It sounds like they set up a recurring payment, is it always exactly a week beforehand?

My guess is they stuffed it up for the other two.

#42 CCABW

Posted 16 June 2019 - 08:25 AM

 Green Gummy Bear, on 14 June 2019 - 10:59 AM, said:

I have three children. My dad and his wife (not my mother) live interstate. Every year for the kids' birthdays they'd put a small amount of money in the bank for us to go and buy relevant child a present from them. This worked for everyone.

For the last three years, they've been putting this money in the account for one child, but not the other two. I'm really not ok with this. It's not about the money, but it's about two of my children being seemingly forgotten about.

I feel like I need to nicely suggest that they stop sending any money. But I'm not sure how to go about this. I don't want it to be blown up and made into something bigger than it is.

So do I call them out on it? What's the best method to do that?
Do I buy the other two gifts and say it's from them anyway, even if that's not entirely the case?
Do I just forget it and keep everything as it is?

Can you just call your dad and ask why it has changed?

#43 spr_maiden

Posted 16 June 2019 - 08:56 AM

 CallMeFeral, on 16 June 2019 - 12:39 AM, said:



Oh gosh, that's harsh. Intentionally favouriting a kid is one thing but remembering sometimes and forgetting sometimes is just human. As the kid whose brother had his birthday near Christmas (so got presents from all the relos while I didn't), it sucked but I knew it was just circumstance/timing, not favouritism. Someone intentionally and arbitrarily treating one child better needs to be nipped in the bud, but I actually think preventing someone from showing kindness just because they didn't manage to do it consistently is a really terrible and kind of self centered message.

Yeah I agree. Probably because I'm an aunt who is sometimes incredibly organised and sometimes a raging hot mess.  I don't always remember the same child, so it's spread pretty evenly over who gets a present in what year.  Or if I do remember same birthday,  I either send all the children in the family a gift or no one gets a birthday gift,  they might all get xmas gifts instead. We have a large family,  and aren't big on physical gifts, so it is also an agreement that the littlies get the gifts and the big ones get drawn into the we all contribute one way or another to the celebration.
They all get a message every year.

I really like b.a.g's approach.  They may not have said anything as they either don't realise two payments have stopped or their budget may have changed. Find a non-confrontational way to ask,  and if they're playing favourites, I would send the money back each time. As opposed to covering it.

DH's side are all about the favouritism.  I have no time for that.

#44 just roses

Posted 16 June 2019 - 09:18 AM

I’d ask. If it’s favouritism, then ask them to send no money at all. I have no tolerance for deliberate favouritism.

#45 Lifesgood

Posted 16 June 2019 - 10:18 AM

 WaitForMe, on 16 June 2019 - 06:33 AM, said:

It sounds like they set up a recurring payment, is it always exactly a week beforehand?

My guess is they stuffed it up for the other two.
OP - please check if this is the reason before you do anything




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users

 
 
Advertisement
 

Top 5 Viewed Articles

 
Advertisement
 
 
 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.