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Two miscarriages and about to start the cr...

LadyKJStorm's Photo LadyKJStorm 28 Jul 2019

So ive had 3 transfers, 2 pregnancies and 2 miscarriages at 8 and 9 weeks. Ive got 2 embryos left in the freezer which will be transferred this cycle. After which dr wants to take 6 month break to do more tests (despite the fact i had an enforced 3-4 month break after each miscarriage.

I worry that i will never become a mother and i dont know quite how to cope with that. Hasnt been helped by my sister having a baby which had a due date the same week my first bub would have. Added to that shes suddenly become the fount of all knowledge... sigh. She has got no emotional intelligence at all. Just keeps telling me how hard it is and that she doesn't think ill be able to do it myself and therefore probably a blessing in disguise that it hasn't worked.

I must admit i wasnt speaking to her for a while before her baby shower because the numbers werent looking good for pregnancy no. 2 and she was just too much effort to deal with. I did go to her shower while i was still physically having the miscarriage. I know this isnt nice but the look on her face when i walked up to the bar and ordered a vodka and orange. Priceless and funny! I hadnt spoken to her in almost a month and she hadnt realised id miscarried.

This is a bit rambly but just needed to try to get the nerves/fear out.

Day 7 blood tests tomorrow. Still probably a fortnight away from transfer.
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Beanette's Photo Beanette 28 Jul 2019

I'm so sorry for your losses xxx

Wishing you lots of luck for your upcoming transfer :bighug:
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taters's Photo taters 28 Jul 2019

Im really sorry for your losses. I too have had 2 miscarriages and both were heartbreaking. We had a long journey to have our son but we got there and I truly hope you do too.

As for your sister - how awful. But that is a reflection of who she is not you. You taking the high ground says everything.

I told only one friend after my first miscarriage (which was absolutely heartbreaking and physically so painful) and was essentially told it was a blessing in disguise. I wanted to scream at her... but i didnt. I dont know why people feel the need to say anything other than I am so sorry or that I understand your pain... seriously.

Anyway I wanted to say I understand and best of luck.
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BeachesBaby's Photo BeachesBaby 28 Jul 2019

LadyKJ that's so incredibly cruel of your sister to say those things to you. I also have a friend who never wanted kids and when we were both pregnant together, before my mmc, she was 2 months ahead of me and had suddenly acquired vast amounts of baby-related knowledge...knowledge I'd already had because I spent the year before that trying desperately to get pregnant, and hoping and planning for when it happened. It's really infuriating sometimes.

I also worry I won't become a mom, ever. I see other people with kids, even those struggling with secondary infertility, and I still feel envy for them that at least they know they're someone's mom. All your feelings are valid and fair. It sucks to feel that way, but I'm hopeful for you and for this FET. I'm starting a new IVF cycle where we're do PGS testing, since it seems like we might be having embryo issues, so I'm right there with you, nervous, scared, hopeful, all the feelings. Please keep us updated on how you go, I'll be crossing my fingers for you.
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LadyKJStorm's Photo LadyKJStorm 28 Jul 2019

Thanks everyone for listening. I really needed it. I appreciate it.

Now to try to get some sleep so i get up early enough to get to the blood tests.
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LadyKJStorm's Photo LadyKJStorm 29 Jul 2019

So blood tests went as expected. Don't want to see me for another three days. Then I'll get to have this fun again...
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ckmelb's Photo ckmelb 29 Jul 2019

Hi ladykjstorm, sounds like you have been on a rough ride. I'm sorry you have been through all of this.

I think the waiting part of IVF is probably one of the hardest parts, so wishing the time goes quickly for you until transfer and beyond.

Also sorry your sister isn't being helpful at all. Yes having a baby is hard (after tonnes of failed IVF I have one on the way and I am also worried how I will cope on my own - also single mother). But at least you know it's just you and have made that decision with open eyes not expecting to have a partner to help (or having to look after them too).

In the meantime to help with the waiting could you start some planning for Plan Bs? Your FS wants a 6 month break. That's fine, but book a second opinion to have during that enforced break (you can always cancel and you don't need the referral until directly before the appointment). I may have had 3 second opinions last year ...
It was sort of like therapy and helped me see whether the grass was greener (and it was mostly not, which is why I stayed with my FS through many unsuccessful cycles). My poor GP indulged me and kept giving me the referrals ...
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Sara.xoxo's Photo Sara.xoxo 29 Jul 2019

So sorry for your losses ladykjstorm. I had 3 mc prior to having my DS. Family can be really cruel, intentional or not it still hurts. Like the previous post I was going to suggest a second opinion if you didn’t want to wait 6 months if this next cycle is unsuccessful.
Best of luck xoxo
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LadyKJStorm's Photo LadyKJStorm 01 Aug 2019

So went in for more blood tests today and was advised to come in again on Saturday. My estrogen has dropped and they think they are going to need to cancel the FET cycle unless it dramatically increases in the next couple of days.

I'm so upset. Its now been more than 18 months that I've been attending the clinic and I haven't had a pregnancy that's lasted more than 10 weeks and noone can tell me why just that they can't see a reason for it and to keep trying.

Mum is telling me to be patient and I am telling her that I have been.

I just want to cry.
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BeachesBaby's Photo BeachesBaby 02 Aug 2019

I’m so sorry ladyKJ, that’s awful and such heartbreaking news when you find out mid cycle that something isn’t going right. I’ve cried many tears through my ivf journey, so give yourself permission to cry and rant and yell if you need to. Be patient is something I’ve heard over and over, but you’ve already been so patient, we shouldn’t have to just keep being patient, so you deserve to feel upset. I hope for you that your next result is more positive, I’ll be crossing my fingers for you.
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LadyKJStorm's Photo LadyKJStorm 03 Aug 2019

So another blood test and the estrogen has increased again. Need to go back on Tuesday for more tests. They are now playing the wait and see game as to whether they will cancel the cycle or not.

I had this last time but it was with what the HCG was doing. Somehow I've now got it before they do the transfer :p
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LadyKJStorm's Photo LadyKJStorm 06 Aug 2019

They've cancelled the cycle today.
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BeachesBaby's Photo BeachesBaby 06 Aug 2019

I just wanted to say how disappointing this must be for you. I’m really sorry it wasn’t so much back and forth, and then to be canceled at the end. Do they have a plan for the next cycle?
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LadyKJStorm's Photo LadyKJStorm 06 Aug 2019

They are going to medicate me for the next cycle. Apparently that would help.
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ckmelb's Photo ckmelb 06 Aug 2019

Sorry to hear that LadyKJ, must be very disappointing after all that waiting. I did hear that a medicated cycle can give more control for transfers. Hopefully that does the trick for you
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LadyKJStorm's Photo LadyKJStorm 06 Aug 2019

I hope so. Im now coming up on 2 years since i first started this crazy go round. Still no baby in sight.
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